Can some one rate my college essay?

Hi, I have a lot of experience reading college applications, and I have a few suggestions. First, though, your topic is compelling and you support it well with specific instances from your experiences. So fundamentally, it is very sound. My suggestions: Make sure, as you probably know, that you tailor your essay to what the college asks. Some have open-ended essay topics, and others ask you to respond to a specific topic. If you don't do that, your application can be ignored. As for your essay, itself, there are a few areas where I had trouble following what you were saying. In paragraph 2, it's hard to tell that your 9 years were spent in Yunan rather than in the U.S. A tense change ("For more than 9 years, I lived...). The 1st sentence of the next graph, "From reading novels...." isn't a sentence and breaks the flow of what you are saying. The sentence after the eye incident, beginning "I quickly..." is too complicated too follow, and you should probably replace the words that require quotes. Finally, it would help to have a native English speaker read this for grammar, especially past/present tense, as there are several errors and they are the type of errors that are very hard for a second-language speaker (no matter how proficient) to get right. Even college professors I work with who speak beautiful English, make these mistakes when they write. Good luck!